There’s some writing advice with heft.

Want your HR writing to rise up? You don’t need to drink. But you need to get drunk on words. On ideas. On attitude.

Then step away from the blue pencil.

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You can’t turn around without bumping into someone reading 50 Shades of Grey. You know the largest group of readers of that mommy porn? HR people.

Know why? Prurience and HR go together like “S” and “M”. There’s an HR cadre who are drawn to the job because of the legal voyeurism. Dirty deets spun dirt cheap! Splendor in the crass! You’ve got mail! (And I’m reading it.)

Why not put all that prurience to good use? Here’s what you do.

How to Write Mommy Porn for HR Pros

• Setting: Futuristic offices, ultra-minimalist design aesthetic. New York City, Stockholm, Moscow. Good stories take place in cool locations. Love stories take place in Bali. HR Porn takes place in buildings that have a lot of chrome, steel, and black leather.
• Protagonist: Young, compliant, confused female. Lots of imagination, little experience. She’s in HR because of her love of people and her naive view of human nature. She’s cute, but doesn’t know it. Her best friend is her cat. She’s not you — she’s an amalgam of people you’ve met over time. She’s like them…times ten.
• Antihero: Young, domineering, damaged male. He’s seen it all…and wants more. He’s running a global empire, but there’s something very shady about him. He’s an ersatz Most Interesting Man in the World. Waxy. A Dorian Gray. He wears D&G. Always black. Skinny ties. His black hair touches the collar of his French-cuffed shirt. He carries a Beau Ried briefcase. He’s like every head of sales you’ve ever met…times ten.
• Plot: A global business merger that involves hundreds of thousands of people. Bribes. The Russian Mafia. Yakuza. La eMe. Our Antihero is an apex predator — he does his deals alone. Only this time he needs help with the people issues. Enter…our Protagonist. Although she has no global HR experience — or really much of any experience for that matter — our Antihero taps her for this covert assignment. They must travel in tandem. She doesn’t have anything to wear except for the Macy’s business suit she got for her interview. No trouble, our Antihero has an American Express Centurion Card — a black card and a black heart. Champagne flows. Cash changes hands. Assignations abound.
• HR Porn: This is the easy part…just write down the stuff you read from employees’ emails. Sprinkle in statistics about web surfing proclivities. (This is where you might have to do some research…but don’t do it on work time or on work computers.) If you follow the 50 Shades of Grey model, have your characters call each other by their names all the time – you know, like people always do in those situations.
• Denouement. You know there’s a cover-up. But there are repercussions. HR knows all. And jobs will be lost. Careers derailed. Our Protagonist learns a valuable lesson about herself and the essential nature of people. But she’s not done. She has a whole career ahead of her…and she’s not so naive anymore.

The best people I know,

Know when enough is enough.

Enough things.

Enough pay.

Enough joy.

Enough policies.

Enough reviews.

Enough training.

Enough vacation.

Enough friends.

Enough information.

Enough ideas.

Enough distractions.

Enough meetings.

Enough waiting.

And of those who don’t know when enough is enough,

I’ve had enough.

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Charlie sent me this image yesterday. I laughed out loud thinking about a tech writer dad writing lunch instructions for his kids.

Want to document a process? Call a tech writer.

Want to make lunches with love? Call mom.

Here’s to the crazy ones…

No, you know what, dammit?

Screw the crazy ones.

Crazy ones are for the most part, cray-cray

Note to you if you think that Apple ad was talking about you:

You’re not Albert F’ing Einstein.

Not Gandhi. Not Hitchcock. Not Lennon. Not Earhart.

Life isn’t like a rolling stone to you.

You’re more like a friggin bump on a log.

A bump on a log that spends its waking hours making other people crazy.

A bump on a log that wears a beret and smokes Gauloises.

Here’s to the crazy ones?

Yeah, good luck with that in business.

Here’s what I say:

Here’s to the sane ones.

Here’s to the well balanced.

The gifted.

The strong.

The straight up straight arrows who work until midnight.

And still beat everyone in the next morning.

Here’s to the dreamers who actually get shit done.

Here’s to people who know the cream rises to the top — but slowly.

Here’s to the people don’t care where it was invented as long as it’s good.

And here’s to the trustworthy ones.

The ones who will do what they say they will do each and every time.

Most of business isn’t about changing the world.

It’s about kicking ass in the world you live in.

The world needs the Churchills and Alis and Kings.

The world needs big ideas.

But the world also needs to keep on rolling like a rolling stone.

Here’s to the sane ones.

Apple — Think Different Ad (Here’s to the Crazy Ones)

Wanna be sick?

You’d better let us know in advance.

Two days to be exact.

Otherwise you’re not allowed to be sick.

[This one was sent in by KnowHR friend, AC, who shares a raised eyebrow with us about nutty HR practices.]

Those who live at The Peter Principle level don’t know this.

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I have an idea for a kick-ass HR conference.

Bigtime stuff.

Stories, not sales.

This year.

I’m not kidding about this.

It’ll work.

More soon.

Steve Martin said, “Be so good they can’t ignore you.”

And that, my friends, is a five-second career lesson that will last a lifetime.

This came in the mail yesterday. A week ago I was out to brunch with a friend. I mentioned that I love coffee cake because my grandparents used to buy one from the bakery when they came to visit us in Chicago. We never got to go to the bakery when I was a kid except when Pop and Grandma came to visit.

It’s about nostalgia.

So it meant so much to me when I came home last night and saw this. Diana paid attention.

It’s a precious gift to be well thought of.

There’s an employee engagement lesson in there somewhere.

Meanwhile I’ll be savoring my coffee cake as I consider what it is.