Your Newly Hired College Graduate: An HR Users’ Guide

It’s that time of year again. Finals are over, keynote speakers have spoken and the population of the so-called “real world” has just gotten a little bit more Facebook savvy. That’s right, college graduates are on the prowl for jobs. But even if you were lucky enough to snag one of these social media savants for your company, keep in mind that the switch from classroom to Boardroom isn’t always as intuitive as you may think.

After reading The New Yorker’s parents’ guide for college graduates, we decided to create our own. With this HR Users’ Guide to Your Newly Hired College Graduate, we’ll answer all of your questions about how to manage this transition for these future Fortune 500 company CEOs, Supreme Court justices, editors in chief or whatever other dreams they gushed about in their interview.

How do I get my newly hired college graduate to like me?
Carefully. Communicating with your college graduate is tricky because they have heard a lot of scary stories about the “big, bad businesses” and will likely not trust you at first. The best way to communicate is through exaggerated flattery. Try these:

• Tell him he’s awesome.
• Tell him his college is awesome.
• Tell him his Facebook status updates are awesome.
• Take him out for drinks and tell him that all of the above are awesome.

Why does my newly hired college graduate seem so stressed out?
Don’t worry, it’s normal for college graduates to be stressed out. They just spent four years under constant stress and it takes some time to adjust to a life without midterms and finals. If you want to target the source of the problem, check if any of these are true.

• Is he still living at home with his parents? YES / NO
• Did you mention anything about a “five-year plan”? YES / NO
• Has it been more than a day since he’s had his favorite fast food? YES / NO
• Has he started to receive bills for his college loans? YES / NO
• Have you suggested that he read a book? YES / NO

What do I do when my newly hired college graduate raises her hand to participate in meetings?
Call on her. Then pretend like you didn’t notice. Depending on her participation level in college discussion sections, this common reflex may take anywhere between three and six months to deter.

Why does my newly hired college graduate always complain about being tired?
Probably because he doesn’t sleep. Most college students have been for four years on a schedule where they sleep between the hours of 3 a.m. and noon every day. The idea that he should be awake and ready to work by 9 a.m. is unfathomable. We suggest having extra coffee available until your new hire becomes acclimated to this change.

Why does my newly hired college graduate get sad?
It’s important to realize that most newly hired college graduates still feel strong attachments to their college. This means that, in most cases, the sour mood may be related to one of more of the following:

• Did her college football team recently lose a game? YES / NO
• Did her college drop its national rank this year? YES / NO
• Did she lose access to her college’s online library? YES / NO
• Did somebody in the office insult her college? YES / NO
• Did you deny her request to take off work for Homecoming this year? YES / NO

How do I get my newly hired college graduate to stick around for good?
If, after several months, you realize that you do, in fact, like your newly hired college graduate, you’re going to have to find clever ways to persuade them to stay with your company for the long term. Hopefully by that time, they’ll be far enough removed from their college environment to see the business logic in this reason. But if that doesn’t work, you can always offer to send them to grad school.