When Good Communication is Ill Timed
Posted on Monday, December 21, 2009 by Frank Roche“Have fun shoveling the snow. You need to get out here and burn off some energy,” I said to my 16-year-old son.
“You need to do more than burn off energy,” he said.
“We had all better be careful with the next words we say,” I said.
With that, my 16-year-old thundered off, came back downstairs with a comical mix of winter wear, and headed outside into the Blizzard of 2009.
How Did We Get Here?
It started innocently enough. We often goof around at dinner, even though it’s just the 16-y-o, my wife and me. Something silly usually happens. It’s when we all sit together and talk for a bit.
On Saturday night we all had a bit of cabin fever after sitting inside for the Blizzard of the Century (or whatever they were calling it). My wife made a great meal of a slow-roasted pork, mashed potatoes, and peas. I was ready for a good meal and some happy conversation.
At some point I asked the 16-y-o about school and the work he had to do over the weekend. Right away we went back to a script about his AP Language and Composition class. He says his AP class has tons more work than the other one at the high school. Bigtime. Like he has to spend hours per day doing projects that the other AP Lang & Comp teacher doesn’t assign.
Here’s Your Economics Lesson
“I guess next year you’ll listen to your mother when you select your classes,” I said. My wife works at the high school as a math tutor.
Silence.
I didn’t read the signs very well.
“How much extra time do you spend every day on that class compared to the students in the other AP class?” I said. “What did you trade for that class?”
“It’s Period 6,” my 16-y-o said. “It’s at lunchtime, so I get an hour-and-a-half. The one period is 43 minutes.”
“So, if your extra work by taking that teacher is costing you more than 43 extra minutes a day, you’re behind,” I said. “There’s your economics lesson.” (I must admit to feeling pretty smug at that point.)
Here’s Where My Wife Calmly Enters the “Discussion”
“He wants his social time,” she said.
Kaboom.
“You don’t know, Mom,” said the 16-year-old. “Why are you mocking me?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said. “Your mother has nothing to do with this.”
“Have fun shoveling the snow. You need to get out here and burn off some energy,” I said to my 16-year-old son.
“You need to do more than burn off energy,” he said.
“We had all better be careful with the next words we say,” I said.
Remember that Part About the Slow-Roasted Pork and Mashed Potatoes?
Gosh, the meal was so good. And we all had plenty of time to think about it, because my wife and I sat there in silence while our 16-y-o went upstairs to get dressed to shovel.
When Good Communication Is Ill Timed
I missed the signs. I must admit that I’m pretty good at dishing it out. I could do better at paying attention to the dynamics of communicating with a teenager. (Self esteem and respect are huge deals with 16-year-olds, in case you didn’t know.) So, I went for the kill on “Listen to your parents, we might actually know something.” My 16-y-o felt under siege.
I’m sorry about handling that poorly. I got a communication lesson out of it.
And I got a lot of my driveway shoveled in the blizzard.
Michael VanDervort
Dec 21st, 2009
@Frank
One thing I learned is that no matter how good a communicator, negotiator, or empath you are, those skills never work when you are communicating with family. Other imperatives take over, and even the best of us can lose sight of the more important personal issues…
If you learned something,you deserve applause.
Here is the other I learned from that “school of hard knocks”. Don’t just tell us, or yourself, tell your kid!
Merry Xmas, my friend!
fran melmed
Dec 21st, 2009
my everyday mantra when it comes to my kids: tomorrow, i’ll do [insert whatever blew up in my face this particular day] better. kids teach you about continuous improvement like nothing else.
f
Frank Roche
Dec 21st, 2009
@Michael The funniest line ever said in my house was when my wife said, “For a guy who makes a living as a communicator, you really stink at it at home.” LOL.
You’re right, all communication in the family comes with years of a metascript. I stepped over a line. My mistake. I am sorry about that.
Frank Roche
Dec 21st, 2009
@Fran That’s a good mantra. I think I was trying to play a clever word game that went awry. I need to have that mantra as well. We have very little drama in our household, and I honestly can say that I am really proud of my guys. They have had none of the teenage issues that so many parents talk about. I just want everything to be perfect for them…I was lucky when I grew up with so many kids around…my parents never asked about school or homework or burden. I worked at a kennel starting at 5:30 in the morning; went to school at 7; came home and worked at a gas station until 10 at night. On the weekends I went to dog shows in far flung places. Didn’t matter — my parents needed the money and expected me to get A’s. I did both. So…it’s a crappy standard I hold…kinda like the walking uphill barefoot in both directions.
Ommmmmm….ommmmmm….ommmmmm.
fran melmed
Dec 21st, 2009
can’t say the same re: drama in this household. the only comfort i have comes from a story my mom told me of her once sighing to my dad about how difficult my sister and i were compared to the “x family” girls. my dad replied, “yes, and they’re boring too.”
Steve Boese
Dec 21st, 2009
Great story Frank and thanks for sharing it here. As my son gets older, (he is almost 9), and gets smarter, more argumentative, etc. I am realizing I have to be much more on my game when I talk with him. But I agree with Fran, I will take a little back-and-forth for a smart, inquisitive, and really a fun little kid.
Happy Holidays!
Frank Roche
Dec 21st, 2009
Hi Steve. It’s a lot of fun having teenagers…and you’ll blink and your guy will be one. We have been super lucky…our guys are smart and motivated and know how to do the right thing. What else could parents ask for?
Frank Roche
Dec 21st, 2009
Fran…LOL. I don’t like boring…that’s so funny what your dad said.
nelking
Dec 21st, 2009
I have two great teenage boys. My husbands style with my 17 year old has been very versions of advice that then turns into a lecture and sometimes a major rant. At time he’s felt like he’s had no relationship with him and doesn’t get him.
Last year my son had to write an essay to explain why he wanted to be released from a PE credit for graduation. He’s an excellent writer so the essay was very thoughtful and talked about his true academic interests in great detail.
He gave it to me to sign. When I was done reading the essay I handed to my husband and said,”you want to understand your son better? It seems that I married a guy just like him”
Frank Roche
Dec 21st, 2009
Nancy, it’s funny to think of your children having deep and independent thoughts. It takes a long time to let go…and to realize that they are fully functioning. The teens are super smart…and reading their writing helps. I must admit I wrote this story today in the hopes that the 16-y-o will read it. It’s a view into both of our heads. (A lesser version of Being John Malkovich.)
nelking
Dec 22nd, 2009
It’s all quite trip. I feel fortunate that we as parents have learned to take deep breaths through it all. Others I know have not and are struggling. Happy 2010 to you and your family!
Walter
Dec 24th, 2009
As parents we are oftentimes to authoritative to hear the feelings of our kids. We should always consider how we have felt during the time we were by their age.
Frank Roche
Dec 24th, 2009
Thanks, Walter. It’s so true…we have to pay attention to what the kids are thinking, not the other way around. Great point. And thanks for stopping by…I really appreciate it.