HR Halloween Horrorscopes

[Photo credit: Brother O'Mara]

Aries
UNICEF once conducted a national campaign for children to raise funds for the charity while trick-or-treating. This is a lesson where you must learn to stop being so greedy. Take one piece of candy, only when offered, and stop hoarding it in your desk drawers. Didn’t you know the cleaning staff goes through there at night anyway?

Taurus
Your coworkers think you’re sophisticated (little do they know). Don’t bother dressing up as a zombie for Halloween this year. The stench of your body odor has been so strong this past year, you already smell like one.

Gemini
Something you’ve been anticipating is about to happen. Yep, you’re in big trouble. You’ll be attacked by ghosts, ghouls, demons, witches, goblins, vampires, werewolves, zombies, skeletons, black cats, spiders, bats, and crows this Halloween. I thought you already knew all your colleagues despised you!

Cancer
That sexy bunny costume is perfect for the office if you’re trying to get the boss to notice you (since your work isn’t worth two beans). He might even have a creepy dungeon very much like at Hefner’s mansion.

Leo
Trick-or-Treat! You’ve spent all year going from desk to desk asking favors. Leave your coworkers alone for once. It’s also seen in the future that your Performance Review is going to be a complete failure – just warning you.

Virgo
Nobody likes you. It’s true. Don’t even bother coming to work this Halloween. Nobody will like your costume or your attempt to win them over with the witch finger cookies you baked.

Libra
Ok, so it’s Halloween, and you’re already The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Paint your face orange for the day – those creepy eyes already make you look like a Jack-o’-lantern, but consider a diet to start November. You’re only going to get bigger with the holiday’s coming up. Diet pills (or starving yourself) might work too.

Scorpio
Your great business mind will make you a great drug dealer, but not for Halloween – I meant in real life. But for now, when attending that office Halloween party this year, make sure you leave the drugs at home and bring yourself, all wrapped up in toilet paper… like a mummy.

Sagittarius
Some people like you, but it’s only their false image of you, which is perfect for this Halloween! You can be any sort of monster, zombie, or ghoul and no one will think twice. Remember, it rubs the lotion on its skin.

Capricorn
Your zodiac sign is a goat. Now you have your costume.

Aquarius
October 31 means lots of treats and candy, but steer clear. Those teeth of yours need nothing more than candy to rot them even more. Remember, there’s been health care cuts – and it’s going to cost a lot to fix that grill of yours.

Pisces
Go ahead – play that nasty prank on your coworkers! It may get you fired, but do it anyway! They’ll never believe that someone as peaceful and calm as you could fill the water cooler with blood, spiders, and real vampire fangs!

About the Author

Jessica Chappell

Jessica started her career as a fashion designer with a degree from The Art Institute. Now she applies that aesthetic to the words she rips onto pages. At IFRACTAL and on KnowHR, she cuts up sentences and sews them into something new.

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