10 Human Resources Species on the Verge of Extinction: A Field Guide
Posted on Monday, August 17, 2009 by Frank RocheAfter years of research and observation at KnowHR, we can finally offer the definitive field guide to identify the 10 most recognized human resources species that are on the verge of extinction.
1. Hall Monitor (Personellium analretentivii)
Identifying feature: Sneer
Audio: Tsk, hiss, guttural grunt
Most often seen with: Policy manual
Reason for extinction: This isn’t 8th grade anymore
[Photo credit: Library of Congress]
2. Watch Keeper (Tempus guardii)
Identifying feature: Glare
Audio: Tick-tock
Most often seen with: Prominent wristwatch; personnel records
Reason for extinction: It’s time to grow up
[Photo credit: State Library of New South Wales]
3. Axe Man (Employmentatum terminatus)
Identifying feature: Faraway stare, total impassivity
Audio: Vigorous throat clearing before dropping the bomb
Most often seen with: Pink slips; Beelzebub
Reason for extinction: Failed economies don’t last forever
[Photo credit: OSU Archives]
4. Umpire (Interferous maximus)
Identifying feature: Supercilious smile
Audio: Let’s hear both sides
Most often seen with: Other umpires talking about umpiring (aka gossiping)
Reason for extinction: Adults work things out themselves
[Photo credit: State Library and Archives of Florida]
5. School Marm (Icantellu whattodoiatus)
Identifying feature: Scowl, look of disapproval
Audio: Do I have to talk to your manager?
Most often seen with: A wicked sense of self worth
Reason for extinction: “Marms” on the decline since the 1930s
[Photo credit: New York Public Library]
6. Picnic Planner (Yogibearus finebasketii)
Identifying feature: Raised brow
Audio: Hopeless sigh
Most often seen with: Executives who secretly ask this species to pick up the dry cleaning
Reason for extinction: That pesky 19th Amendment
[Photo source: Powerhouse Museum]
7. Fashion Police (Gustibus disputandum)
Identifying feature: Permanent look of disdain
Audio: Haurmph
Most often seen with: A clothing item two decades out of date
Reason for extinction: On the wane since the Victorian Era
[Photo credit: Library of Congress]
8. Performance Assessor (Judgmentum malafides)
Identifying feature: Knowing head nod
Audio: This will go on your permanent record.
Most often seen with: Well-worn copy of Psych 101
Reason for extinction: Annual reviews have been dying for decades
[Photo credit: National Media Museum]
9. Strike Breaker (Organizatio punitum)
Identifying feature: Thick neck, thick mustache
Audio: Get back to work.
Most often seen with: Gangs of organizatio puniti
Reason for extinction: None in visible existence.
[Photo credit: Library of Congress]
10. Puppet Master (Yankus chainimi)
Identifying feature: Mouth never moves
Audio: Caution here — puppet masters talk through others. Can’t be heard.
Most often seen with: Puppets
Reason for extinction: The truth wins.
[Photo credit: Australian War Memorial]
Ben Eubanks
Aug 17th, 2009
Absolutely hilarious. LOVE IT.
Frank Roche
Aug 17th, 2009
@Ben…thanks, buddy.
Trish McFarlane
Aug 17th, 2009
Love this post! What a great way to start a Monday at work. Keep ‘em coming.
Frank Roche
Aug 17th, 2009
@Trish Thanks a lot! I was chuckling about that.
mszypko
Aug 17th, 2009
Frank where do you come up with this stuff? Im not sure what it is Frank, but I’ll have what your having!
Thanks for the laugh!
Frank Roche
Aug 17th, 2009
@Mark LOL…you are my comedy inspiration…I’m trying.
Doug Smith
Aug 17th, 2009
Brilliant! And so true…
Frank Roche
Aug 17th, 2009
@Doug Thanks much!
Sarah Chambers
Aug 17th, 2009
Awesome. Long live the hybrid Business/People type.
Furley
Aug 17th, 2009
great post – nice photos, too!
Jessica
Aug 17th, 2009
Frank, this is such a cool post. I love everything about it!
RTHanneken
Aug 17th, 2009
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Needed a good laugh on a dreary, rainy Monday.
Bill Strahan
Aug 18th, 2009
This is simply the greatest HR Blog post ever.
Frank Roche
Aug 18th, 2009
@Bill Gosh…thank you. I really enjoyed writing this one…glad you liked it. That means a lot. (And now what do I do for an encore?)
Frank Roche
Aug 18th, 2009
@ Jessica @ Furley @Sarah Thanks, guys. This was one of those ideas Sarah and I kicked around…and then it came together very quickly. It’s okay to have fun writing this stuff once in a while. I crack myself up.
Suzanne Goldman
Aug 18th, 2009
AH… the truth does hurt !!!!
bigtobacco
Aug 18th, 2009
Good stuff, though I believe that supervisors and managers have taken up the chalice with no problem. And from my leadership experience it would seem Human Capital has become more antisocial, so the tendancies are still there. Good luck.
Stephen Achilles
Aug 19th, 2009
This is perfect. For all the years of HR wanting to be at the executive table this shows us why its not in most companies.
Frank Roche
Aug 20th, 2009
@Stephen I was thinking about a place at the table when I wrote a few of these. Maybe it’s the picnic table.
Krista Francis
Aug 24th, 2009
Great post, I think HR people are some of the most creative minds (but we can’t be if we’re monitoring the halls)!
ROWE Fan
Dec 6th, 2009
Awesome! Shared it with the Results-Only Work Environment group on Facebook. Hope it’s true, especially #1 and #2! They are alive and well at my workplace unfortunately.