Guest Post: 50 Self Evaluations from UpstartHR

These self evaluations are so much fun to work on. Actually, “work” may not be the correct term. It’s so much more like play than work! Today, I’m bringing you a whole boatload of new self evaluations. But here’s the deal: I need you to keep donating your own! This thing has been wildly successful so far, and you might want to hop into the fray before all the good ones are taken! Without further ado… The self evaluations!

50 Self Evaluations from UpstartHR

1. I took one of those personality test things, and it told me I need extra vacation days. No, I can’t remember which one, but I read it on the Internet, so it has to be true!
2. I don’t get why people talk down on Gen Y. I get to work on time at least two days per week. And I’m still waiting for my trophy.
3. I don’t wear pants, because the dress code doesn’t say I have to.
4. I am actively promoting an ergonomic redesign. Something with recliners would be nice.
5. Took the scenic route while driving my personal vehicle. I love mileage expenses.
6. Think I prefer a torture rack to my desk. It would be immensely more comfortable.
7. Wish I had something to do.
8. Getting bored letting the air out of my boss’ tires.
9. College never prepared me for this.
10. If I was a weasel or a snake, I’d fit right into the culture here.
11. Helped my manager with an especially difficult knot on his shoe.
12. Smashed the sales record. I performed more than 50% below the previous worst performer.
13. Finally whipped that twerp in accounting who was always double-checking my expense reports.
14. Blackmailed manager with photos from the holiday party.
15. Survived stapler massacre of ’09.
16. Kept personal email and RSS up to date.
17. Planned 3 after hours happy hour events.
18. Remotely wiped the hard drive of that jerk in contracts after he took my favorite pen.
19. My rubber band ball is quite impressive.
20. Collaborated my way into an interesting “relationship” with a coworker.
21. One more corporate buzzword and somebody dies.
22. The corporate teambuilding weekend retreat was life-changing. The sarcasm training was great. Really.
23. I think our selection process could use a little work. I got through it, didn’t I?
24. Self evaluations aren’t in my job description.
25. Why isn’t HR evaluating me so I can show them the charts and graphs I made that describe my workweek? I spent twenty working hours just to develop those things!
26. I cut company health benefit costs by installing a plan that covers nothing health-related. Although it will pay for a cat neutering procedure on the third Tuesday of odd months. Good luck.
27. I work well with others as long as can’t see, hear, smell, or sense their presence.
28. I added 10 unnecessary policies to the employee handbook.
29. I play well with others.
30. You should see my other job.
31. I spend 20 hours a week making copies. Good thing I got my MBA before I started working.
32. I’d like to do something a little more bold than this miserable excuse for a job, but I’m too lazy to find another one.
33. I’ll do my self evaluation after coffee.
34. I lock my door to keep my coworkers at bay.
35. I’d like a more comfortable office chair.
36. I live a sad life. I did settle for this job.
37. I’d be much more likely to tell the truth if this thing was anonymous.
38. I can read off a PowerPoint presentation better than anyone else I know.
39. I pull a prank on my boss every morning, and he still hasn’t figured out it’s me.
40. I am Bruce Lee with a stapler.
41. We need another coffee maker in the office. The one we have doesn’t work fast enough.
42. I have excellent typing skills.
43. Learned how to hack into payroll. Helloooo monthly Christmas bonus!
44. Since I started bringing my bobcat on “Bring a Pet to Work” day, people have been much kinder to me.
45. I successfully completed a self evaluation.
46. I make full use of company restroom facilities at least six times a day. I’m making the most of your investment, and you should thank me.
47. I’d mention how stupid and useless I am, but you hired me, and I wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings.
48. I was unsuccessful at completing a self evaluation.
49. I’m not surfing. It’s social learning. Look it up.
50. My desk isn’t unorganized. It’s selectively positioned for optimal creativity and efficiency.

Okay people. I have lots more where these came from, but I need you to help! Get your own on the list by adding them to the comments section below. Happy evaluating!

This post is by guest writer Ben Eubanks of UpstartHR. Ben has been instrumental in adding funny quips to 1,001 Canned Responses to Self Evaluations (we’re almost to 700 now!). Ben cracks me up, is a real HR pro and is a man about the internet. You can also find him on Twitter as @beneubanks. He’s organizing an unconference this fall called HRevolution. Stop over and say hello to Ben.

About the Author

Guest Writer

A guest writer for KnowHR.

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