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1,001 Canned Responses for Self Evaluations
May 20I’m writing 1,001 Canned Responses for Self Evaluations. Since some of SHRM’s best-selling books are canned phrases for managers to write up performance reviews, I thought this would be a real winner.
If you’d like to contribute some canned self evaluations, I’ll give you full credit. Employees of the world will thank you. Your mother will be proud.
About the Author
Frank Roche
Frank started IFRACTAL over 7 years ago with Sarah Chambers. Together, they've created HR communications and HR software for some of the world's leading companies. Frank is also studying Flamenco guitar and origami.
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Consistently display leadership abilities by telling everyone what to do and how to do it
I excell at excellence
Quality and quantity of work always exceeds standards. Rely heavily on teamwork to get the job done. Without them I would probably be fired by now.
Past reviews do not accurately reflect my outstanding performance as my prior managers didn’t understand the value I brought to the department. I know you are smarter than them and are a good person at heart
I am very proud of the fact that the “Sally photocopying her ass at the Xmas party” video I shot with my iPhone went viral on YouTube and got more views for than any other video about the company last year. This clearly demonstrates my highly developed skills in social media.
I hope to be able to contribute in similar ways in the next 12 months.
@Michael…you’re a great videographer…lol.
I understand it’s hard to give big raises or bonuses in this economy. Have you considered “retiring” my phone extension?
*My thumbs have never been stronger due to lots of texting behind my boss’ back.
*Looking back over my review period, I am quite confident in my unparalleled awesomeness.
*My boss tells me he’s never seen anyone quite like me. That’s good, right?
*Me am good at reviewing.
*I’ve started flushing after myself. Does that qualify for a merit increase?
*I changed the coffee pot out not once, not twice, but THREE whole times this week. Solo. No help or anything. Now where’s my promotion?
*My reputation as an office prankster has garnered me more praise than you ever could with those silly “employee appreciation” things.
“Like 85% of the people here, I’m an above average worker in this company.”
“Having my helicopter mom bring me my lunch everyday and sit in the meeting while I eat it is good. It’s like you’re getting like two people for like just one salary. Could I get a raise? And why do you like call her helicopter anyway. Is that like some HR thing? And like I could so totally do your job.”
And so as not to leave out the self-employed . . .
“Hey, at least I knew how big a jerk the boss was before I took the job.”
I appreciate your candid criticisms of my performance this year. As a goal for next near, I hope to help you understand that there is a difference between thinking deeply about company projects and “staring into space.”
I am the target demographic. If you can’t make our relationship work, then how do you expect to stay in business?
Hey, policies were made to be broken. Am I right?
I can definitely work on improving the problems you identified. To be fair, though, recent promotions had led me to believe that “self-absorbed” was a desirable company trait.
*Now that you’re actually paying attention to me, I hereby relinquish my quest to “procure” office supplies for personal use.
*I’m thinking that our disciplinary procedure needs an update. My manager put me in the stocks last month without food or water for two full days.
*I would love to do more work in the office, but the great rates on long distance are keeping me from doing anything work-related.
*Our ethics code is SO bad that the Enron executives stopped by to take notes.
*Wow! It’s nice to see you take a break from “the hall monitor guy” to “the obviously fake ‘I care about employees’ guy.”
*The headaches I get from this job can only be assuaged by long periods of rest far from this job. I think you can see why I used two weeks of annual leave by January 15th this year.
Lets begin with the premise that any of this matters…
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
* I love my job so much, I have organised work-from-home arrangements so that I can work naked!
* I have effectively addressed the performance issues we discussed last time. Complaints received from colleagues have been reduced from 47 per month to only one isolated complaint (following that video conference with the Board last Thursday).
I understand the company’s not in a position to give me the bonus I deserve. Have you considered retiring my phone extension?
I feel as though my manager undervalues some of my best skills. Her decision to take down my Klingon language version of the company’s website suggests she’s threatened, too.
Brilliant.