1,001 Canned Responses for Self Evaluations
Posted on Wednesday, May 20, 2009 by Frank RocheI’m writing 1,001 Canned Responses for Self Evaluations. Since some of SHRM’s best-selling books are canned phrases for managers to write up performance reviews, I thought this would be a real winner.
If you’d like to contribute some canned self evaluations, I’ll give you full credit. Employees of the world will thank you. Your mother will be proud.
Lex Fortis
Jun 10th, 2009
I have not had any incidents since entering anger management. Assuming no triggers (demotion, downsizing, checking on my work) I should be back to par in 18 to 36 months.
Nora Burns
Jun 24th, 2009
I don’t have time to do this Self Evaluation justice as my workload is entirely too great.
Nora Burns
Jun 24th, 2009
I attended no less than five meetings a week. Clearly I am an important person in this organization.
Nora Burns
Jun 24th, 2009
I have a very strong attantion to detial.
Cathy Martin
Jun 24th, 2009
I finally became a strategic HR person last year, I sat at that table, that deserves a 5 right?
I also planned the employee picnic!
Laura Rhoad
Jun 24th, 2009
I am pretty and smart.
I am charming.
I am the Chief of the Dress Code Police!
Frank Roche
Jun 24th, 2009
@Cathy You get the door prize for planning the employee picnic.
Frank Roche
Jun 24th, 2009
@Laura Pretty, smart, charming, and could be a judge on Project Runway? You win the Self Evaluation Prix D’or.
Ben Eubanks
Jun 26th, 2009
*I was successful in crashing the network for seven days, thus preventing malicious attacks on our system.
http://www.slideshare.net/beneubanks/10-commandments-of-office-etiquette
*I did some work that meant something… Once…
*I read 23 articles on productivity, but I was unable to finish my work by the deadline as a result.
*By losing the (multimillion dollar) Smith account, I was able to save the company $1000 in monthly travel expenses.
*I successfully tested the limits of the company credit card by purchasing personal items on the weekends.
*The video of me playing golf the day after I filed the worker’s comp claim is a fake. Really.
*I successfully drafted a top 10 commandments for office etiquette document.
*My $2 monthly contributions to the birthday cake fund have increased morale and boosted productivity (and no, it’s not just the sugar high!).
*I estimate that a dozen phone calls were ignored while I was creating self evaluation statements. Good thing these are SO valuable.
Lex Fortis
Jun 26th, 2009
I helped create a new policy for alcohol consumption at company-sponsored events. Maybe “inspire” would be a better word.
Ben Eubanks
Jun 28th, 2009
*I’m great at research. After two weeks of switching out the regular coffee for decaf, I have caused two stapler beatings, one incident of “parking lot rage,” and seven terminations for sleeping on the job.
*The best thing about working here is the cushy toilet paper.
*Since my manager treats me like a child the rest of the workday, I’d like him to start cutting up my lunches for me and putting band-aids on my paper cuts.
*I’ve been creating spreadsheets full of meaningless numbers and sending them to my boss for months. And I got a pay increase last week.
*I’ve turned “calling in sick” into an art form.
Lex Fortis
Jun 29th, 2009
I developed and led the company’s efforts to create catch-phrases for all employees. My efforts include:
VP of HR: “Time for some human capital punishment.”
CFO: “still writin that cook book!”
General counsel: “Gimme some that Mutatis mutandis.”
Board Chair: “Now *that’s* shareholder value.”
CIO: “Re-booting ain’t the only thing I tried.”
CEO: “I ain’t in the for the hugs.”
Ben Eubanks
Jun 30th, 2009
*I was able to get the director’s car towed from the company lot 5 times this quarter. There’s nothing that increases morale more than seeing a screaming man chasing a tow truck down the road.
*I’m still trying to figure out my manager’s MBTI profile. What would closely fit “oppressive idiot?”
*The movie Office Space is my training video.
*Between my staff and my boss, I’m lucky to have any hair, sanity, or time.
*I was able to crush the spirit of multiple employees. What can I say? I’m good at this management stuff.
*Were you aware that a strategically placed paperclip will cause your computer to catch fire? (Great way to get the day off!)
*Despite my incompetence and lack of motivation, I was promoted.
*I deflected the urge to beat my boss to a pulp nearly half a dozen times. Who can say next time whether he’ll be as lucky?
*I’ve discovered the joys of attending meetings just to get out of work.
*As modest as I am, I can only describe myself as awesome.
Ashley Andrus
Jul 1st, 2009
*My MENSA membership has raised the collective IQ of my department by at least 17 points.
*You do know that my best friend is an employment law attorney? I realize that’s not directly related to my performance, per se, but thought it was relevant to mention.
Lex Fortis
Jul 1st, 2009
First, let me thank you for your wisdom in letting me do a self-evaluation. I am, of course, the only person qualified to evaluate me.
Lex Fortis
Jul 8th, 2009
Instead of doing this self evaluation, I thought it would save time to just link you to my Wikipedia page.
Lex Fortis
Jul 8th, 2009
26. Briefly describe your interaction with co-workers, including any specific team-building.
You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking… you talking to me? Well I’m the only one here.
Lex Fortis
Jul 8th, 2009
I can has raise?
Lex Fortis
Jul 8th, 2009
I prithee,
Remember I have done thee worthy service;
Told thee no lies, made thee no mistakings, served
Without or grudge or grumblings: thou didst promise
To bate me a full year.
The Tempest, Act I, scene II
Lex Fortis
Jul 14th, 2009
Even though I gave myself a perfect review, it was still totally objective because the hypnotist had convinced me that I was a co-worker.
Frank Roche
Jul 16th, 2009
@Lex, the famous Sybil Defense in performance reviews.
Michael VanDervort
Jul 21st, 2009
Frank, before we start my performance review, why don’t you have one or two of these terrific brownies I brought back from my trip to the Netherlands?
Michael VanDervort
Jul 21st, 2009
In the employee feedback section: I’d like to suggest that the company place a couple of nice sofas or recliners in the break room. This would reduce the number of nuck injuries caused by those ergonomically incorrect stacking chairs!
Frank Roche
Jul 21st, 2009
@Michael…LOL…I lived in Amsterdam for a few years…that would be a good approach to performance reviews.
Lex Fortis
Jul 22nd, 2009
While it’s true that I didn’t actually have the authority to send an email firing the CEO, one of my key goals for the year was to take more initiative.
Lex Fortis
Jul 22nd, 2009
Q. Please identify up to three areas where you could improve your work as a software engineer.
A. 404 error: Page not found.
HRJEFE
Jul 23rd, 2009
Consistently display leadership abilities by telling everyone what to do and how to do it
HRJEFE
Jul 23rd, 2009
I excell at excellence
HRJEFE
Jul 23rd, 2009
Quality and quantity of work always exceeds standards. Rely heavily on teamwork to get the job done. Without them I would probably be fired by now.
HRJEFE
Jul 23rd, 2009
Past reviews do not accurately reflect my outstanding performance as my prior managers didn’t understand the value I brought to the department. I know you are smarter than them and are a good person at heart
Michael VanDervort
Jul 23rd, 2009
I am very proud of the fact that the “Sally photocopying her ass at the Xmas party” video I shot with my iPhone went viral on YouTube and got more views for than any other video about the company last year. This clearly demonstrates my highly developed skills in social media.
I hope to be able to contribute in similar ways in the next 12 months.
Lex Fortis
Jul 23rd, 2009
I understand it’s hard to give big raises or bonuses in this economy. Have you considered “retiring” my phone extension?
Frank Roche
Jul 23rd, 2009
@Michael…you’re a great videographer…lol.
Ben Eubanks
Jul 26th, 2009
*My thumbs have never been stronger due to lots of texting behind my boss’ back.
*Looking back over my review period, I am quite confident in my unparalleled awesomeness.
*My boss tells me he’s never seen anyone quite like me. That’s good, right?
*Me am good at reviewing.
*I’ve started flushing after myself. Does that qualify for a merit increase?
*I changed the coffee pot out not once, not twice, but THREE whole times this week. Solo. No help or anything. Now where’s my promotion?
*My reputation as an office prankster has garnered me more praise than you ever could with those silly “employee appreciation” things.
Clare Novak
Jul 28th, 2009
“Like 85% of the people here, I’m an above average worker in this company.”
“Having my helicopter mom bring me my lunch everyday and sit in the meeting while I eat it is good. It’s like you’re getting like two people for like just one salary. Could I get a raise? And why do you like call her helicopter anyway. Is that like some HR thing? And like I could so totally do your job.”
And so as not to leave out the self-employed . . .
“Hey, at least I knew how big a jerk the boss was before I took the job.”
Lex Fortis
Aug 24th, 2009
I appreciate your candid criticisms of my performance this year. As a goal for next near, I hope to help you understand that there is a difference between thinking deeply about company projects and “staring into space.”
Lex Fortis
Aug 24th, 2009
I am the target demographic. If you can’t make our relationship work, then how do you expect to stay in business?
Lex Fortis
Aug 24th, 2009
Hey, policies were made to be broken. Am I right?
Lex Fortis
Aug 24th, 2009
I can definitely work on improving the problems you identified. To be fair, though, recent promotions had led me to believe that “self-absorbed” was a desirable company trait.
Ben Eubanks
Aug 24th, 2009
*Now that you’re actually paying attention to me, I hereby relinquish my quest to “procure” office supplies for personal use.
*I’m thinking that our disciplinary procedure needs an update. My manager put me in the stocks last month without food or water for two full days.
*I would love to do more work in the office, but the great rates on long distance are keeping me from doing anything work-related.
*Our ethics code is SO bad that the Enron executives stopped by to take notes.
*Wow! It’s nice to see you take a break from “the hall monitor guy” to “the obviously fake ‘I care about employees’ guy.”
*The headaches I get from this job can only be assuaged by long periods of rest far from this job. I think you can see why I used two weeks of annual leave by January 15th this year.
Lex Fortis
Aug 24th, 2009
Lets begin with the premise that any of this matters…
LexFortis
Aug 26th, 2009
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
Bruce
Aug 27th, 2009
* I love my job so much, I have organised work-from-home arrangements so that I can work naked!
* I have effectively addressed the performance issues we discussed last time. Complaints received from colleagues have been reduced from 47 per month to only one isolated complaint (following that video conference with the Board last Thursday).
LexFortis
Aug 27th, 2009
I understand the company’s not in a position to give me the bonus I deserve. Have you considered retiring my phone extension?
LexFortis
Aug 27th, 2009
I feel as though my manager undervalues some of my best skills. Her decision to take down my Klingon language version of the company’s website suggests she’s threatened, too.
Robert Bacal
Feb 17th, 2010
Brilliant.