10 Tenets for The New HR

Hey, kids, shake it loose together/ the spotlight’s hitting something/ that’s been known to change the weather.
–Elton John, Benny and the Jets

Kick off your electric boots; shed you mohair suit; throw down your magazine. I’m not talking about fighting our parents out in the street to find who’s right and who’s wrong, but it’s time for something ageless. It’s time for The New HR.

Oh, but they’re weird and they’re wonderful: 10 Tenets for The New HR.

  1. HR has one job: business success. Anything else is useless and a waste of air. If it doesn’t have to do with business, we’re not doing it.
  2. HR isn’t the Complaint Department or your Kindergarten teacher. We’re going to teach people to grow up and stop wasting our time like they’re 5-year-olds who can’t share their toys.
  3. We won’t accept mediocrity in HR. Human resources cannot be where people go when they can’t find meaningful employment. We’re going to cowboy up our talent. We want — we demand — the best and the brightest.
  4. Nothing is sacred. We’re going to critically think about everything we do. And if we hear people saying “That’s the way we’ve always done it.” Well…don’t make me come over there.
  5. We’re not in charge of the holiday party anymore. Yeah, that’s right. We aren’t the social secretaries. We have real jobs to do. See #1.
  6. Business is gonna want a seat at our table. The time of putting HR at the kid’s table is over. You said, “Our business is about our people.” Now, with way fewer of them, it’s going to be true. Like scary true. Take a number.
  7. Rules are for fools. We’re tossing out the rule book. We’re not hall monitors anymore. We’re going to expect grownups to behave like grownups. Or they’re gone. Any questions?
  8. We’re going to make pay-for-performance work. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission. So forgive us if we insist that the best people make the most money. It’s not a rule — it’s a fact.
  9. No more workarounds to make up for weak managers. Please see #1. Our job is to make our company work most efficiently. We won’t be making up policies to make up for bad managers. It’s either up or out.
  10. We’re going to put the “human” back in Human Resources. They’re not numbers on a spreadsheet or “human capital” that can be traded like a commodity. They’re people, with fears and hopes and dreams. And for a few hours a day, they come to our place. We’ll make sure that (along with #1) we remind ourselves every day that what we do is about people. Mediocre people = mediocre business. Great people = great business.

For those of you who had Benny and the Jets running through your head, here’s your musical interlude as you think about what should be on the 10 Tenets for The New HR. You might also want to read PunkRockHR’s take on blowing up HR. It’s a new time. It’s our time. It’s HR’s time.

Total Compensation in the Age of Cholera

I’m working at home today, which has its benefits. It’s quiet. Then I flipped on CNBC. Things aren’t good. And that made me think about Total Compensation in the Age of Cholera.

Having a lot of leverage in your pay plans is great in an up market. Everybody wins. Heck, when the market is up, it’s fantastic to offer below-median base pay and above-median total cash. Bring on the bonuses. But did we forget to tell employees that leverage works two ways in pay plans? It’s not Up Up, and Away in My Beautiful Balloon anymore. It is Total Compensation in the Age of Cholera.

I’m not trying to be Mr. Gloom-and-Doom. But it’s a reality. Crafting total compensation statements is going to take some real positioning. You’re going to need to talk clearly and plainly to your employees about business realities. You’re going to have to give your best and brightest a reason to stay when money is tight. You’re going to have to really mean “pay for performance.” And you’re going to have to talk about big things in combination with little things. Everyone’s in this together. It’s the Age of Economic Cholera. We can make it go away…but it won’t be by doing what we’ve always done when we talk about total compensation.

For you Monty Python fans, I think this “Bring Out Your Dead!” segment is one of their funniest ever.

7 Things Employees Will Say About This Year’s Bonus

After last week’s 10 Things You Need to Tell Your Employees About This Year’s Bonus, I got a suggestion from the author of BMIML to write another from the employee perspective.

Since companies often confuse handing out business books with investing in good management, I thought I’d do a little play on some of the most popular biz books of our time.

7 Things Employees Will Say About This Year’s Bonus

  1. Has anyone seen my copy of Who Moved My Bonus?
  2. My bonus went from Good to Not-So-Great.
  3. I’m studying the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Ex-Employees.
  4. I’m going to be featured in the Freakanomics Comics because this must be a joke.
  5. Everybody on my train is reading Poor Dad, Poorer Dad.
  6. What Color is My Golden Parachute? (Yes, Virginia, there is a Peter Principle.)
  7. Does this mean I have to stand in the Chicken Soup Line for the Soul?

10 Things You Need to Tell Your Employees About This Year’s Bonus

Bonus season will be upon us soon, and for many there is going to be a lump of coal in their stocking. With that in mind, what do you say to your employees who expected economic exhilaration and burgeoning bonuses to go on forever in some kind of perpetual motion machine? How do you let them know what goes up, must come down? How do you say buh-bye to entitlement?

Here are 10 Things You Need to Tell Your Employees About This Year’s Bonus.

  1. Pay-for-performance still works: Better talent gets more money.
  2. Variable pay means that your bonus can go up in good years and down in bad years.
  3. The size of our bonus pool depends on our company profitability. This year: Meh.
  4. Our base pay is still targeted at the median. You’re getting paid fairly.
  5. We plan to be around for a long time. We hope you will be with us when our profitability goes ballistic.
  6. Now is not the time to sandbag for next year. Being profitable takes sustained effort.
  7. There’s no hidden money; there’s no slush fund that someone else got.
  8. Executives didn’t get all the money. In fact, bonuses are a larger fraction of their target pay, so they’re affected even more when the bonus pool is reduced.
  9. We’re all in this together, and we’re all going to get out of this economic slump together.
  10. We still love you.

Rules for Fools

Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.
–Henry David Thoreau

You know those HR rules that were created when we were all fat, dumb, and happy? They don’t count anymore. It’s time to challenge everything. To genuinely understand what motivates people, not just follow some stupid rubric about “people don’t work for money.”

In case you haven’t been reading the paper or watching TV, the world economy is in Holy Crap Mode. If you’re clinging to old HR rules because it’s the only thing you know, it’s time to practice this phrase: “You want fries with that?”

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